I hear you, and I didn't know. I've been kinda isolating myself during November, I could't jive with all the jolly and enthusiasm- that wasn't where I was at. No-one checked on me. Not a pity party either, just a sum-total.
I didn't join in anything online coz I was scared of oversharing, of becoming seen as 'Oh no Debbie downer is here'. Scared of opening my mouth in case it all came spilling out, the pain, the loneliness, the fear, what's going on.
I've been blogging for 15 years, often screaming quietly from my heart in the hope of connecting with someone, somewhere, etc. My last post gathered zero views, so why don't I just give up? Yeah, why don't I? I haven't promoted it much at all, I hoped in vain it would grow organically somehow. My mistake. I keep hoping it will pick up, and at the same time it feels like I have nothing to say these days, so I don't.
My dad is in hospital too for his heart, and depression and anxiety; I'm on the other side of the planet, too poorly to travel, being judged for why don't I... and yet I can't tell them why I don't. I'm scared of my own failing health.
Go, and pay with my life, such as it is? Get even sicker, living in a country where the is no support unless I can support myself? Is that selfish? Maybe.
It's difficult coz I love him so much, and in return none of them bothers to keep in contact with me? I stopped sending messages/emails/whatever sometime during summer because I never heard anything back. It was always "but you love to write, why don't you write to us?" and I'd reply but you don't write back, you don't bother telling me anything. "But we don't like to write, and we're busy..."
If you want to keep in touch you make time, we all know that.
It not only felt like rejection, but like a repeat of moving to isla. For years I did all the running, all the keeping up with old friends and new, all the initiative, and in the end I throught eff it. I stopped calling, messaging, initiating. Let's see how long it takes before someone miss me, and checks in and wants to do something and hang out. That was years ago, and I'm still waiting. With the caviat that when we needed money to move two threw work my way, and after the accident (about 5 years later) a couple did message me and also organised a collection to help financially for which I am very grateful.
The bright sunshine and 30c degrees feels like spite at times when all you want to do is curl up somewhere and be cosy, or cry. It is what it is.
I'm scared of finishing my ms, not just the judgements of not good enough, which I know comes from me not knowing how to make it better, and not feeling good enough. But I'm scared of finishing it and then -- nothing. No sales, no love. More of nothing.
Most Xmases (which I don't particularly celebrate anyway) since I moved here in 2008 I have spent alone with the cats. 2021 was awful, but 2022 was strangely ok. I watched a good film online, crocheted and spent a lot of time chatting with so many others in a group created just for the holidays. It was fun and I could feel the love. But after twitter selfdestructed we all scattered. Maybe something else will come along this year. And if it doesn't, it's only a week until January, and crafts and online entertainment to catch up on. I'll be fine. After all, I have all the experience anyone could ever need or want of being alone.
I've overshared again. You can just ignore me, that's ok too. But have a hug from a stranger before you go, and happy belated 43rd birthday too.
We are kindred on so many things! Your father's health, screaming into the void, family distance. It can make life heavy - especially this time of year. Definitely keep talking and blogging.
As far as the fear of finishing the MS - so relate. But what if no sales is the worst case? Like, we can write another MS, right? When I think of fear I always think of Will Smith's little anecdote about skydiving. (YT link for it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hpd61o6TvXM). Maybe you'll vibe with it too (it mentions God, but that's not the important part of the message).
Thank you for reaching out, for sharing your experiences, fears, and bummer moments. Pity parties are more fun when they are conversations with comfort, and that's what you made my post. I hope my reply has done the same for you.
I hear you, and I didn't know. I've been kinda isolating myself during November, I could't jive with all the jolly and enthusiasm- that wasn't where I was at. No-one checked on me. Not a pity party either, just a sum-total.
I didn't join in anything online coz I was scared of oversharing, of becoming seen as 'Oh no Debbie downer is here'. Scared of opening my mouth in case it all came spilling out, the pain, the loneliness, the fear, what's going on.
I've been blogging for 15 years, often screaming quietly from my heart in the hope of connecting with someone, somewhere, etc. My last post gathered zero views, so why don't I just give up? Yeah, why don't I? I haven't promoted it much at all, I hoped in vain it would grow organically somehow. My mistake. I keep hoping it will pick up, and at the same time it feels like I have nothing to say these days, so I don't.
My dad is in hospital too for his heart, and depression and anxiety; I'm on the other side of the planet, too poorly to travel, being judged for why don't I... and yet I can't tell them why I don't. I'm scared of my own failing health.
Go, and pay with my life, such as it is? Get even sicker, living in a country where the is no support unless I can support myself? Is that selfish? Maybe.
It's difficult coz I love him so much, and in return none of them bothers to keep in contact with me? I stopped sending messages/emails/whatever sometime during summer because I never heard anything back. It was always "but you love to write, why don't you write to us?" and I'd reply but you don't write back, you don't bother telling me anything. "But we don't like to write, and we're busy..."
If you want to keep in touch you make time, we all know that.
It not only felt like rejection, but like a repeat of moving to isla. For years I did all the running, all the keeping up with old friends and new, all the initiative, and in the end I throught eff it. I stopped calling, messaging, initiating. Let's see how long it takes before someone miss me, and checks in and wants to do something and hang out. That was years ago, and I'm still waiting. With the caviat that when we needed money to move two threw work my way, and after the accident (about 5 years later) a couple did message me and also organised a collection to help financially for which I am very grateful.
The bright sunshine and 30c degrees feels like spite at times when all you want to do is curl up somewhere and be cosy, or cry. It is what it is.
I'm scared of finishing my ms, not just the judgements of not good enough, which I know comes from me not knowing how to make it better, and not feeling good enough. But I'm scared of finishing it and then -- nothing. No sales, no love. More of nothing.
Most Xmases (which I don't particularly celebrate anyway) since I moved here in 2008 I have spent alone with the cats. 2021 was awful, but 2022 was strangely ok. I watched a good film online, crocheted and spent a lot of time chatting with so many others in a group created just for the holidays. It was fun and I could feel the love. But after twitter selfdestructed we all scattered. Maybe something else will come along this year. And if it doesn't, it's only a week until January, and crafts and online entertainment to catch up on. I'll be fine. After all, I have all the experience anyone could ever need or want of being alone.
I've overshared again. You can just ignore me, that's ok too. But have a hug from a stranger before you go, and happy belated 43rd birthday too.
Keep oversharing, I dig it.
We are kindred on so many things! Your father's health, screaming into the void, family distance. It can make life heavy - especially this time of year. Definitely keep talking and blogging.
As far as the fear of finishing the MS - so relate. But what if no sales is the worst case? Like, we can write another MS, right? When I think of fear I always think of Will Smith's little anecdote about skydiving. (YT link for it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hpd61o6TvXM). Maybe you'll vibe with it too (it mentions God, but that's not the important part of the message).
Thank you for reaching out, for sharing your experiences, fears, and bummer moments. Pity parties are more fun when they are conversations with comfort, and that's what you made my post. I hope my reply has done the same for you.
<3